Viewings of my blog are up 600% – which actually means it was viewed twice instead of once – don’t try and do the maths – it’s very sophisticated, and uses lots of logarithms and compound interest.

Too tired to write up to my usual standard, so just checking in.

Remember – you heard it first on Mundane Conversations.

Bonjour! Special hello to my US readers (if the stats are to be believed). Well done if I may say so, for getting in on the ground floor.

Something amazing happened yesterday – my kids and I went to see a film that I had chosen; it rarely happens that I manage to organize anything, so the fact that we got there in good time, and yes the cinema was open, was a promising sign.

First to rewind a bit, we needed sugar. My daughter and I went to the nearby supermarché and chose three bags of sweets  – four, if you count the Twix – (little product placement there).
I insisted on a packet of Mi-Choco; these are chewy caramels covered/enrobé with dark chocolate – the only hitch being they come in really noisy wrappers – something my sensitive daughter pointed out. She was going to put them back on the shelf, but we decided to unwrap them beforehand, which she did in the back of the car on the way to the cinema. Then all we had to do was make sure we got the timing right when we took the lid off the plastic box  – I’m trying to avoid saying Tupperware. She was very good at picking the right moments in the film – I wasn’t.

The film was Jersey Boys, directed by Clint Eastwood – if you haven’t already seen it, you should – unless you loathe musicals; though really this is a biography with music, and not an in-your-face musical like that Abba one, where every other line is turned in to a song.

It’s about how the Four Seasons band was formed in the 60’s – it was great – couldn’t fault it, except maybe the make-up when the group was meant to have aged was a bit dodgy – too much talc and eye-liner. The acting was good  though, and there was a nice lack of violence, though plenty of underlying threat, and mob references – and everyone seemingly watching out for each other, while nicking the other guy’s girlfriend, or mishandling the group’s finances.

The cinema was in a municipal hall, and I was surprised to hear so many French people in the audience – yes, we’re in France but it is an English-speaking film. At the end a couple of people clapped, and then a couple of people sniggered, because you don’t clap after films, I suppose. I felt like clapping too; this got me thinking; how does Clint know that his movie has been shown and enjoyed in a little village in the South of France? Or would he even care? The film got a Tony (good mafia name) award – thank you, wikipedia.

Watch this space for more meaningful monologues..

Well, that was a disappointing little morning.I took my car to be serviced today. When I got to the garage, I asked the young mechanic if they would check everything, and he presented me with an impressive-looking checklist. He told me their wheel-balancing machine was “en panne” (broken), but they could still change the oil. He said the whole thing would take an hour and a half.

So I went and sat down in the waiting area and read a bit of Saturday’s Telegraph which I had brought with me – then tried to do the crossword, after first checking through the clues to ascertain that I would actually be able to answer something , so that I wouldn’t look stupid holding a pen.

After an hour and a quarter I swapped seats so that I was facing the desk, behind which was the door where the mechanics went in and out – that way I would be able to catch the eye of the one who was coming to tell me “Madame, your car is ready”. Dans mes rêves (in my dreams).

After one hour forty five I decided to assert myself, and went over to the desk – there were at least three people behind the counter, including a girl (brave woman) – and several other customers ahead of me – mostly older people, so I wasn’t out of place.Cue gushing compliments.

Eventually the girl took my name, and looked me up on the computer, then produced some papers from under the desk pertaining to my car; I wondered how long I had been needlessly waiting, and whether they would have left me there all day if I hadn’t stood up.
She gave me the now-completed checklist, and said I needed to go and pay at the till, and that the cashier would give me my car keys.

So off I went, but just after I had inserted the payment card, the cashier’s phone rang; while she was talking to George Clooney  – (prove it), I took the opportunity to check the ‘after’ checklist. What I was looking for on the list were the brake lights;I had to ask the cashier to help me find them.

According to the printout, my brake lights worked, which was odd, as they haven’t for about two months.I told her I would come back; I removed the card from the machine and went back over to the desk, and asked Monsieur d’Huile to go throught the list with me. He said my brake pads needed replacing, but not yet. I told him my brake lights hadn’t been working – had they fixed them? He said they worked when they tested them – so…get this for assertiveness, girls – I asked him to come out to the car with me and check. And what d’you know? Only one of the three brake lights was functioning.

To make a long story painful, I bought the necessary bulbs and drove my car up to the workshop, where a begrudging young mechanic came out to change the bulbs. He did force a smile and an apology  when he had finished, blaming the oversight on his colleague, but I had already decided he wasn’t getting a tip – though I’d made a 5 euro note accessible in my bag, just in case.

My son came crashing through the door the other day, looking very stern, and said I had to take my name off the posts I’d written. He thought they were quite funny – (he only told me this when I threatened him), but asked would I like it if the people I had written about read the drivel (my word,not his) and then saw my name.He got himself in quite a lather about it – enough to make me think he had a point….maybe.

Sincere apologies for my absence. I have been “busy”. Well, I must have been doing something, to have let eight days go by without calling headquarters – so busy will do.

There have been a few little highlights since I last wrote, that I’ll let you in on:
I got recognition – twice! The first time was a phone call from an arriving owner saying it was like walking in to the Marie Celeste – slight overkill – I had only left the living room fan on, and a bathmat in the washing machine – hardly an abandoned ship.

The second time was a phone call from a villa manager – (they call ’em villas down here – no idea why) of one of the houses I clean, saying the holiday renters weren’t at all happy with the cleaning. They found the dishwasher full – (my speciality), and coffee under one of the beds; I was curious to know what form the coffee took – whether it was in a cup, or sticky granules on the tiles, but thought that would be pushing it.

I’m off to have a look at my About page, as I’m sure it’s a little sparse – (what’s a sparse?)

Okay, so I know it’s not Shakespeare, but the only way to get good at a thing is by doing it, isn’t it? Which is why I’m forcing another one out. (I think I am being influenced by Sinéad’s preoccupation with bodily excretions and the workings thereof – probably best if I stop reading her blog – it is entertaining though).

September is upon us (who coins these funny phrases? If September was upon us, we wouldn’t be able to breathe).September is upon us, and my daughter is back at school – it’s a business school – the business part being the huge profits they make from the fees. My reasoning is we’ve gone this far, so she might as well finish, and up until now the Lord hath provideth – well actually, quite a lot of it came from my elbow grease. Ah yes, but who maketh the elbow?

Just now I was lying on the couch having a power nap, whatever that is –  only it turned in to a brain won’t stop racing non-nap, and I suddenly thought of my poor followers (3 at the last count -and one of those is me), whereupon I leapt up off the couch and here we are! Me and you two.

Thought for the day:
Sinéad said  – (what do you mean “Who the hell’s Sinéad?” – haven’t you read the previous posts?) – that “Anger is really just a ball of tears”. So when your daughter shouts and swears at you for being filthy and untidy  – just a random example,you understand, it’s probably because she’s got some buried hurt. Of course, there is a chance that it’s because you’re filthy and untidy…

Well, I have to dash awf now, as I have a house to clean.The owners are arriving “early evening” – your guess is as good as mine.

Don’t worry – I’ll be back! Oh,you’re not worried? Oh.

It’s Sunday! – so I don’t have to get up at some silly time, except that my daughter is coming home and the place looks like a laundry.I have no idea who I am writing this drivel for, or why.I suspect it won’t last. What do you mean “That’s a relief” ?

I once read about this guy who was always upsetting people with his emails, and he said he’d found the solution: he gave up whiskey. But I have never drunk whiskey.

I nearly did it again this evening:

I’m quite pally with a new client of mine – I clean her apartment and check the holiday renters in and out; this evening I gave her an email update about the couple who I checked out this morning – (weren’t as snooty as I first thought, and one of them works for the BBC).The owner and I had a couple of chatty emails back and forth about what a busy month it has been, and she wrote “You must be exhausted”  – actually, she said “done in”, but if I use an exact quote I could get in to trouble, couldn’t I?  Anyway, I nearly replied: If someone asked me to clean for them tomorrow, I would tell them to Fuck Off – which wouldn’t have been wise,would it?

The trouble with using swear words indirectly, is you might as well be swearing straight at the person;I have a friend who often sends me angry or frustrated texts that start off F-ing this and that, and I end up wondering what I have done to annoy her – apart from writing about her here, which she doesn’t know about, so don’t be ridiculous.

Sorry – I know you want to read more, but it’s extremely late. Bonne nuit.

I have been reading a book called The Power of Now, and it seemed quite sensible in a not-too-deep slightly spiritual kinda way – but then I hit the Jesus chapter.Bit disappointing, as not everyone believes in Jesus, and speaking for myself (and who else would I be speaking for?), I’m off all religions at the moment – you have to admit,they do invite madness – all the killing that goes on in the name of God or Allah and whoever else – so I don’t really want to be coerced back in to the Jesus fold when I’m reading a book that is going to transform my life – not sure that it promised to do that actually, but with that title, and I won’t repeat it or you will definitely think I’m getting a commission, you would expect something electric,wouldn’t you? Oh, by the way – in the very unlikely event that someone posts a comment on this blog, don’t expect any intelligent debate – I’m best at monologues – there are debating forums if that’s what you’re looking for.

I saw a post the other day on a forum where somebody was spitting insults and wishing death upon Sinéad O’Connor because years ago she tore up a picture of the Holy Pope(ophile?)in front of an audience.Ok, she shouldn’t have done that – (has anyone seen The Chainsaw Massacre?Never mind – but it does have some funny lines) – but the guy wishing her dead wasn’t exactly brimming with Christian love and forgiveness,was he?

For you dear reader, and at the last count it was one – (moi), I wish you a peaceful and productive day – and remember to stop and look at the view – but preferably not when someone is driving close behind you.

I’m back! From little acorns and all that – just feeling my way around, as I haven’t written anything for ages – and certainly not pour le public. Got me domain name back too, which is like totally awesome,omg,lol.

Flippin’ mosquitoes – disgusting things. Surely they must have a Full line where they can’t hold any more of my (rather special) blood?

Have to go now, as I need to go and throw money away at the local supermarché – it seems to be an almost daily homage.Watch this space for more crucial and scintillating monologues!Excitement guaranteed! (mine).