My son came crashing through the door the other day, looking very stern, and said I had to take my name off the posts I’d written. He thought they were quite funny – (he only told me this when I threatened him), but asked would I like it if the people I had written about read the drivel (my word,not his) and then saw my name.He got himself in quite a lather about it – enough to make me think he had a point….maybe.

Sincere apologies for my absence. I have been “busy”. Well, I must have been doing something, to have let eight days go by without calling headquarters – so busy will do.

There have been a few little highlights since I last wrote, that I’ll let you in on:
I got recognition – twice! The first time was a phone call from an arriving owner saying it was like walking in to the Marie Celeste – slight overkill – I had only left the living room fan on, and a bathmat in the washing machine – hardly an abandoned ship.

The second time was a phone call from a villa manager – (they call ’em villas down here – no idea why) of one of the houses I clean, saying the holiday renters weren’t at all happy with the cleaning. They found the dishwasher full – (my speciality), and coffee under one of the beds; I was curious to know what form the coffee took – whether it was in a cup, or sticky granules on the tiles, but thought that would be pushing it.

I’m off to have a look at my About page, as I’m sure it’s a little sparse – (what’s a sparse?)

Okay, so I know it’s not Shakespeare, but the only way to get good at a thing is by doing it, isn’t it? Which is why I’m forcing another one out. (I think I am being influenced by Sinéad’s preoccupation with bodily excretions and the workings thereof – probably best if I stop reading her blog – it is entertaining though).

September is upon us (who coins these funny phrases? If September was upon us, we wouldn’t be able to breathe).September is upon us, and my daughter is back at school – it’s a business school – the business part being the huge profits they make from the fees. My reasoning is we’ve gone this far, so she might as well finish, and up until now the Lord hath provideth – well actually, quite a lot of it came from my elbow grease. Ah yes, but who maketh the elbow?

Just now I was lying on the couch having a power nap, whatever that is –  only it turned in to a brain won’t stop racing non-nap, and I suddenly thought of my poor followers (3 at the last count -and one of those is me), whereupon I leapt up off the couch and here we are! Me and you two.

Thought for the day:
Sinéad said  – (what do you mean “Who the hell’s Sinéad?” – haven’t you read the previous posts?) – that “Anger is really just a ball of tears”. So when your daughter shouts and swears at you for being filthy and untidy  – just a random example,you understand, it’s probably because she’s got some buried hurt. Of course, there is a chance that it’s because you’re filthy and untidy…

Well, I have to dash awf now, as I have a house to clean.The owners are arriving “early evening” – your guess is as good as mine.

Don’t worry – I’ll be back! Oh,you’re not worried? Oh.

It’s Sunday! – so I don’t have to get up at some silly time, except that my daughter is coming home and the place looks like a laundry.I have no idea who I am writing this drivel for, or why.I suspect it won’t last. What do you mean “That’s a relief” ?

I once read about this guy who was always upsetting people with his emails, and he said he’d found the solution: he gave up whiskey. But I have never drunk whiskey.

I nearly did it again this evening:

I’m quite pally with a new client of mine – I clean her apartment and check the holiday renters in and out; this evening I gave her an email update about the couple who I checked out this morning – (weren’t as snooty as I first thought, and one of them works for the BBC).The owner and I had a couple of chatty emails back and forth about what a busy month it has been, and she wrote “You must be exhausted”  – actually, she said “done in”, but if I use an exact quote I could get in to trouble, couldn’t I?  Anyway, I nearly replied: If someone asked me to clean for them tomorrow, I would tell them to Fuck Off – which wouldn’t have been wise,would it?

The trouble with using swear words indirectly, is you might as well be swearing straight at the person;I have a friend who often sends me angry or frustrated texts that start off F-ing this and that, and I end up wondering what I have done to annoy her – apart from writing about her here, which she doesn’t know about, so don’t be ridiculous.

Sorry – I know you want to read more, but it’s extremely late. Bonne nuit.

I have been reading a book called The Power of Now, and it seemed quite sensible in a not-too-deep slightly spiritual kinda way – but then I hit the Jesus chapter.Bit disappointing, as not everyone believes in Jesus, and speaking for myself (and who else would I be speaking for?), I’m off all religions at the moment – you have to admit,they do invite madness – all the killing that goes on in the name of God or Allah and whoever else – so I don’t really want to be coerced back in to the Jesus fold when I’m reading a book that is going to transform my life – not sure that it promised to do that actually, but with that title, and I won’t repeat it or you will definitely think I’m getting a commission, you would expect something electric,wouldn’t you? Oh, by the way – in the very unlikely event that someone posts a comment on this blog, don’t expect any intelligent debate – I’m best at monologues – there are debating forums if that’s what you’re looking for.

I saw a post the other day on a forum where somebody was spitting insults and wishing death upon Sinéad O’Connor because years ago she tore up a picture of the Holy Pope(ophile?)in front of an audience.Ok, she shouldn’t have done that – (has anyone seen The Chainsaw Massacre?Never mind – but it does have some funny lines) – but the guy wishing her dead wasn’t exactly brimming with Christian love and forgiveness,was he?

For you dear reader, and at the last count it was one – (moi), I wish you a peaceful and productive day – and remember to stop and look at the view – but preferably not when someone is driving close behind you.

I’m back! From little acorns and all that – just feeling my way around, as I haven’t written anything for ages – and certainly not pour le public. Got me domain name back too, which is like totally awesome,omg,lol.

Flippin’ mosquitoes – disgusting things. Surely they must have a Full line where they can’t hold any more of my (rather special) blood?

Have to go now, as I need to go and throw money away at the local supermarché – it seems to be an almost daily homage.Watch this space for more crucial and scintillating monologues!Excitement guaranteed! (mine).